Of Blood and Beauty

The Evergreen State College

Page 8 of 27

Fragen und Antworten

28.04.2016

Honestly, how are you doing?

I’m pretending to do much better than I think I actually am. Though at this point, I’m not really sure.

Do you hate it here, or do you love it?

There are days where I think I could live in Berlin, and then other days where I think that the only place that will ever make sense to me is the United States of a-goddamn-merica, the latter of which I find to be truly disgusting and horrifying.

Are you homesick?

Incredibly so.

Are things getting hard?

A similar response to hating or loving Berlin–some days are exponentially better than any days I have experienced thus far in my young adult life, and others seem to be so difficult that I’m unsure as to whether or not I can get through them. However, my appreciation for my classmates and their similarly shared insanity grows with every passing day.

What is your temporal experience at this point? (For example: I don’t operate on dates or days of the week)

Time seems to move at an impossibly slow rate in Berlin, what feels like weeks ends up being an hour, and what feels like a lifetime has only been about a month at this point.

Are you remembering things? Can you access images and feelings and emotions at any point in this city?

What stands out the most in my memory right now are my dreams–I am very used to not remembering the majority of my dreams while at home, and the ones I do remember tend to be end-of-the-spectrum outliers. Since I have been in Europe I have been able to remember almost every piece of every dream from every night, something that makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

Are you unable to?

I wish that I was unable to remember certain dreams, especially the recurring PTSD nightmares that I have become unfortunately familiar with over the last five years of my life, and even more so upon my arrival in this bizarre continent.

Are your habits changing?

I know that I have been drinking and smoking more, but I also knew to expect this based off of my last school trip to Europe two years ago with Dark Romantics. I do think that my study habits continue to get at least minimally better, I care more and more about school every day, even with the knowledge that a loss of credit wouldn’t necessarily affect my ability to graduate this quarter, and I can at least take solace in that.

What is scaring you?

One of the things that scares me the most is my quickness to anger–I like to think of myself as a fairly level-headed person, and while I would certainly not go so far as to call myself calm, I do take at least some pride in the idea that I can maintain my composure in less than agreeable situations. In Berlin, however, my ability to rationalize diminishes everyday, and my desire to empathize with those who frustrate me ebbs and flows at a startling rate.

How do you handle being alone?

I actually quite enjoy being alone, that is every once in a while. So far on this trip I feel like I haven’t gotten quite enough alone-time, which is not to say that I haven’t been enjoying spending my time with the various people I’ve been encountering, but I also would not mind wasting a bit more time on my own bullshit without having to think of the wants and needs of others around me quite as often as I have had to. Does that sound selfish?

What could you possibly do in a strange place to truly calm down? (For example: when things get bad, I go into antique shops to assuage my anxiety)

When things get bad, I call my mom. If the time difference won’t allow for that, I spend time with one of my very best friends in the entire world, Gabby. Should location make that impossible, I am forced to quell my anxiety with deep breaths and sedentary moments of reflection, something I am still learning how to do in my ripe age of 23.

Is class stressful?

I have never loved a German class so much as I love Evita’s class at CIEE. I was truly beginning to think that there was not a single good German professor in the world outside of my beloved Frau Hommel (a professor before my time at Evergreen) and then I met Evita. She has reignited my fire in language learning and reminded me that a bad teacher makes for a bad learning experience, not a bad edification altogether. I cannot possibly express my gratitude and appreciation enough to thank Evita properly, in German or in English, but hell if I won’t try.

What kind of thoughts are you thinking? There’s usually a pattern there.

Currently I’m thinking about what excuse I can use to get out of eating dinner with my host family tonight that I haven’t used too many times before.

Do you miss anyone (it’s ok to not)?

Above all, I miss my mama.

PSYCHICCITY

Listening to Berlin

21.04.2016

For this assignment I chose the bedroom that has been designated as mine in my host family’s apartment in Charlottenburg. I chose this space very purposefully because while it is supposed to be a place that I can temporarily call my own and make into the crabby cave of my dreams, it has become a place that I feel entirely uncomfortable in and am constantly hesitant of stepping outside of my shell while here. I do not like being a long-term guest in someone else’s home, I do not enjoy feeling like a teenager who is on a perpetual curfew, and I do not relish the fact that I can’t walk around in my underwear whenever I so please. Lying on the bed I have finally started to become familiar with over the past month, I shut my eyes and opened my ears.

My ride is here–the pitch of the screeching sirens steadily rises as they beckon me nearer and nearer, then suddenly it drops down and stretches out of my ear’s reach, clueing me in that my ride home has left without me. The sound of tires rolling against the asphalt brings me back to the Boros Bunker, I wonder how worn down that tire is now… Boisterous animals corral around my window to bleat and baa in every direction until my room is so filled with sound that my head begins to ache. Wind whistles through the open window and slams the door shut with an unanticipated shock, rattling my nerves to the point where I think I need to stop for my own mental health.

PSYCHICCITY

Zum Thema der Geruch der Ethik

Today in pop-up salon, the topics of Heaven and the Kingdom of Ends came up, especially how these ideas seem to evoke a hellish kind of mechanistic being. I made the comment that I found all categorial ethical discussion to remind me of this. I semi-lightheartedly blamed this on my reading too much Nietzsche.

I just wanted to clarify that what I meant by that was not that any and all ethical consideration was bad merely because, for instance, it is restrictive, as I think a lot of people do interpret from Nietzsche. I don’t think this is the case and I don’t, for whatever it matters, think Nietzsche’s work supports this view on the whole either. It is merely that I don’t know how ethics can be thought categorially without necessarily appealing to the same transcendent values or, more importantly, the same transcendental forms of (e)valuation, that have til now also been the general forms of violence and instrumentalization.

I will have to think about this part but: I have the feeling that conceiving ethics categorially, as opposed to, say, strategically, is a reversal of what is general and what is particular about a given problem, analogous to the way capital’s alleged protection of the freedom of the individual over the whole is actually a demand for the sacrifice of individuals in the name of a non-existent whole. 

Since it was another thing I don’t think I communicate well, I want to add that this is closely related to but not exactly the same point as I was trying to make in seminar about the drive to make judgments about something like the decisions made by death camp prisoners. I think that both have to do with what appeals to me about mysticism like Benjamin’s but I obviously have a lot of working through these things to do.

Das Sowjetische Ehrenmal im Treptower Park//Soviet Memorial at Treptower Park

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Das Sowjetische Ehrenmal im Treptower Park//Soviet Memorial at Treptower Park
This burial site and monument was dedicated May 8th, 1949 as burial grounds for 5,000 of the 80,000 fallen Red Army soldiers in the Battle of Berlin.

With massive statues and sarcophagi throughout, the central grounds of the memorial recount the story of the Red Army’s betrayal by the National Socialists with the invasion of Russia by German forces on June 22nd, 1941 as operation “Barbarossa” and their subsequent call to arms to defeat Fascist imperialism along the Eastern front. There are 16 limestone sarcophagi lining the both sides of the memorial, depicting, in finest Socialist Realist style, the story of Russian engagement in “The Great War”, from the invasion in 1941 until the “Liberation of Berlin” in 1945. Behind these sarcophagi are theDas Sowjetische Ehrenmal im Treptower Park//Soviet Memorial at Treptower Park graves of the 5,000 Soviet soldiers. The sarcophagi have both Russian and German inscriptions (eight on the right in Russian , eight on the left in German) relaying the timeline of events and rationale of the Soviet engagement in Stalin’s words. This memorial is a counterpart to the Soviet War Memorial in the Tiergarten, and there are commemorative events held here annually on the anniversary.

The central figure of the monument is an immense 36 foot tall statue of a Soviet soldier standing atop a shattered Swastika, sword in his right hand anDas Sowjetische Ehrenmal im Treptower Park//Soviet Memorial at Treptower Parkd child cradled in his left arm. The pedestal, atop a large conical hill, serves as a tomb to the fallen Soviet soldiers. The interior of the tomb is a mosaic frieze depicting 16 Soviet figures representing the 16 Soviet republics. At my visit, there were dozens of flowers laid out and a candle burning at the entrance.

At the opposite end is an grand entryway of red granite, interpreted as lowered Soviet flags.  The main entrance a statue of Mother Russia is weeping, presumably for her son, the soldier standing at the opposite end. The whole memorial is lined with weeping birches and sycamore trees, which cast a deep, sweeping sense of mourning and tranquility, in an otherwise grandiose state-forward Soviet era monument.

Das Sowjetische Ehrenmal im Treptower Park//Soviet Memorial at Treptower Park

Kaiser-Wilhelm-Gedächtnis-Kirche//Psychic City

Kaiser-Wilhelm-Gedächtnis-Kirche//Psychic City

Just a random mix from my notebook from the visit here. I definitely left feeling dispirited//far from inspired, there was regrettably little to draw from, especially with a constant flux of tourists coming through and taking selfies with the christfigure.
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Pray, what was the last hope you sacrificed to flame?

Here, last hope, survived the flame.

Little more to consume,

little left to praise.
Just holy kitsch and historical clutter,

fragments that connect one era to another.

//////

seven by seven

upright remains

wax gold stone,

glass

wood marble metal

cloth canvas & paper
pure body, no spirit (I have brought my beaming own)

Where is the place that is all spirit and no body?

\\\

blue is the hottest flame &

seven is a holy number–

Still the spirit has flown,

And the wreckage rests at Teufelsberg,

last vestiges,

“We will pray for you”

What Does This MEAN

What Does This MEAN

I drew a picture of Adorno from the cover of the Reader at some point with a thin Sharpie and then early one morning I fused this man to my self.

Boros Bunker

To start I want to give you a very brief history into this exhibit space from the perspective of the different uses it has taken on. It was originally built during the Second World War as a part of a 61 city wide bunker selection program made by the Nazi party. It could house 2,400 guests on any given evening and was used to show that Hitler could protect the inhabitants of the city when war struck. After the war it was a part of Eastern Berlin controlled by the GDR. During this time it was used as a P.O.W. Camp and a secure site to hold meetings where the Allies could not interfere, later it was used to store food, specifically fruits from Cuba during the Cold War, where it got its name the Banana Bunker. When the wall fell it was semi abandoned and used for rave culture and paintball fights. In 2003 the current owners bought it. The renovations took five years, which means it has only been a gallery for the past eight years. The two owners of the bunker live in a house constructed on the top of this building where they have 130 pieces from 23 different artists that they support to varying degrees. This is a treasure trove of intellectual art supported by elite ideals. It was both hard to swallow and awe inspiring all at once.

With this idea in mind I want to do some, quite possibly grotesque, surgery here and deposit a couple quotes from Georges Didi-Huberman’s piece entitled Images in Spite of All: Four Photographs From Auschwitz and just let them sit in relation to the image of a surviving Nazi bunker being used as a modern art exhibit and home.

“Images in spite of all: in spite of our own inability to look at them as they deserve; in spite of our own world, full, almost choked, with imaginary commodities.” P3

“It is troubling that a desire to snatch an image should materialize at the most indescribable moment, as it is often characterized, of the massacre of the Jews: the moment when those who assisted, stupefied, had room left for neither thought nor imagination. Time, space, gaze, thought, pathos – everything was obfuscated by the machinelike enormity of the violence produced.” P7

The pieces at this exhibit have no names, no plaques, no words to show what they are at all… Except for the guide that gives you information and a personalized interpretation on how to experience the work. The only way we know anything about these works is through our own contact and the stories of those who know better. You must not take images of any of the pieces… But you can buy books full of them at the front desk. There lingers a sense that one has gone beyond Hitler and the GDR, but that beyond only stands because of the view it looks out from which lies inside this reign. The walls look different now.

In Search Of…

Every weekend thus far while in Berlin I have gone out and seen at least one game. Last week was Hertha, Union before that and so on. The problem with this is that these games are always in the middle of the day and can essentially consume a whole days worth of time. Over the last month or so I have been searching for places to play football. Anywhere. At first I limited my search to more competitive atmospheres, clubs and what not, but that proved unsuccessful, especially considering the method in which I approached this. I do plan on trying to attend/ train with some clubs, but I will need to email coaches and get their approval to do so first. In the time it took me to realize this, I had shifted my focus from playing with clubs to just pick up ball. This lead me to a couple outlets, both of which were through the CIEE, the Monday and Friday sessions. Aside from these two, I had asked around and visited various fields on weekdays, but this revealed two problems. First of all, almost all fields are in use throughout the week by various youth and adult clubs, for practice, and they won’t be sharing the fields anytime soon. Second of all, anyone who wants to play, that isn’t on a club, usually confines their pick up/playing times to weekends, where their work lives won’t be getting in the way. With this discovery, I intended to finally use this latest weekend as an opportunity to go searching for games, and forgo seeing any.

Saturday:

My first day of searching lead me to three different locations. I will start off saying that I had been aware the last couple weeks of pick up games that had occurred at Friedrich-Ludwig-Jahn Sportpark, I had even seen it occurring before and snapped some pictures (I would have played, but I had just seen a game nearby and had none of my gear and was wearing jeans). So I had heard the FLJ might have some people showing up at around 4pm, so I decided to check out some other places first in the meanwhile. The first stop was a complex (these are good bets considering they all have multiple fields and not only one) called Friedenau. It was only a couple stops away via S Bahn so I got there at around 11am. I brought my bike with me for this day trip as well, intending to waste as little time as possible traveling between locations. When I finally arrived at Friedenau, after getting lost briefly, it was a pleasure to see three full size fields, one grass, two turf. As I went farther into the complex, I found two more fields, but they were occupied by youths and their parents. This is another discovery, complexes are hotspots for people to hang out at, they have food and entertainment galore at each of them. Out of all the fields, there were probably eight or so I total, half of them were unused. This would be a great place to playi thought, if only we could get good numbers to show up. Alas, there were only kids playing here, at the home of FC Schoneberg, so it was time to move on to plan B.

The next stop was a complex to the west, not too far, about five or six S Bahn stops. I couldn’t figure out what the complex was called, but I could see that there was a stadium called Horst-Dolm Eisstadion, which actually is an ice skating rink, but I google earthed it and saw that there were good number of other fields around it. So upon arrival, this ice rink was the first thing I saw, but when I moved past it I came across a fields occupied by youth teams playing a game. What I found next, though, was interesting if not noteworthy. The large grass stadium that was nearby was being prepped for American Football. There were bus loads of kids standing outside the gates chatting and holding their pads. This was the first instance of American Football I had actually seen in Germany. I didn’t know if the game had just ended or was going to happen soon, either way,there was no pick up to be had. However, when I went a little bit farther Ito the complex, at this point the opposite edge from which I had entered, I found what I was looking for. A field, with two games going on, each with one half of the field playing the usual sideways method I had grown accustomed to seeing.

In Search Of…

I arrived at around noon and hopped in with them. These games consisted of mostly college students who played for local different local clubs that were just scrimmaging each other for practice. One guy said that they usually had games on Sunday, but had a bye the following day, I asked if this meant they wouldn’t be playing next week and he said no, they still usually play on Saturdays. Huzzah! This was a good find, I hopped in and played some good competitive ball until about 2, then every one started leaving. This gave me 2 hours to get to FLJ, but I had brought everything I needed with me, including lunch,and it would take at least a hour to get there, so I just decided to headstraight there.

FLJ is a large, famous, very popular complex up in Prenzlauer Berg, it is a bit of a trek,  but well worth it. When I arrived an older men’s game, probably fourty year old league was happening so I decided to eat my lunch and watch. They were really quite good, their touches weren’t the best, but they all seemed incredibly fit and able. As the game was coming to its end, the score was tied 1-1, and things were getting heated. One player had an excellent opportunity as he dribbled past the defender in the corner, his pass was deflected though and ended up being shanked for a goal kick. The defender who he had dribbled by, was on the ground, though, I’m guessing he must have been hit by a stray elbow. He ended up staying down, and the game was paused. His team gathered, people with ice packs were tending to him, it was hard to see exactly what was going on. Anyway, he must have had a concussion because not one but two ambulances showed up and carried him away. The game did not continue and the two teams vacated the field, now it was our turn.

In Search Of…

We intended to play a game using the goals, but they were all chained up! This was completely unexpected and very disappointing. We ended up using the goals backwards as they were chained up, and they were both very lopsided and not even with each other. There weren’t as many people there that usually show said Sebastian, a Columbian who was the first person I met. On top of that the level of play was not that good either, but all of that was made up for with the heart that was put into it. We ended playing for 3 hours! People slowly left one at a time, but we ended up just going until no one could walk anymore. Afterwards one of the guys playing said that every Sunday at 11am, some guys would show up and play at Hasenheide park. He said there may not be as many people because it would be May Day, but that I could still count on having some kind of play there. It’s the place with the camels, he said.

Sunday:

The park that this place was at is very close to CIEE. Hermanplatz is two stops away from

Geneisenaustrasse. I had been told that it wasn’t a field and that the surface was like that of the track found around a field, but this still didn’t inform me of the dimensions. I had seen a regular sized field with this type of surface, or this could be one of the cages that I had yet to play in. When I got to the park I was surprised at how big it was, nonetheless I ventured in. Eventually I saw a big caged area, and as I got closer there was a wooden fence around it, and in this little enclosure were two camels.

In Search Of…

There were two groups when I got there, one was a group of five skilled Frenchmen, the other was a group of a couple elder, out of shape men, a little boy and his older brother who was more my age. These teams would have to be divided. When I first showed up I didn’t know how this was going to be done, so I just grabbed my ball and started juggling. But things are organized here as I alluded to earlier, when everyone seemed ready, three more guys showed up and we were divided into teams. We played for an hour and a half before the French guys had to leave. The three guys that showed up remained behind and we kicked the ball around for another hour or so. I hadoriginally intended to go to the flea market after playing with these guys, but one of the mentioned that there would be more playing going on at Templehof, which wasn’t that far away. They asked if I was coming, at first I said no,  but as they were walking away, I thought that I shouldn’t pass on this and ran to catch up with them. One of the three had to bail but I walked with the other two and managed to speak a little bit. John and Sufien were their names, and they were both great ball players as well as cool dudes. They both barely spoke English, but Sufien was a little more capable and I chatted with him as we walked. He was from Palastine, born I the Gazastrip. He said that he had to move to the Westbank before coming to Germany, I’m not sure exactly what he said when referring to the Westbank but I think he said something like ‘The Fuckers’. He was studying sociology at Humboldt and was in the process of getting his masters there. To me this was really amazing because he was also such a great ball player. You could tell he was of the street variety, though, he could do lots of cool juggling moves, but I doubt he had ever played for a club before though. Made in the cage is my term for him.

Templehof is huge. I had walked near it one time along the outside,  but once you are on the inside you can see that it is gigantic. I thought we were going to one of the turf fields along the edge of the park, but no, we walked pretty much straight to the middle and there in the distance I could see that there was a dirt field in the middle of all the grass.

In Search Of…

After all the years of people playing on it, the dirt had turned into a soft almost sandlike quality. The two goals helped carve out this barrier in the grass. When the game started I was hoping that we would be able to play just in the dirt area, and that the grass  would be out of bounds, but that wasn’t the case. So unfortunate steely, there were a lot of occasions were the ball would go way outside and things would get hectic and sloppy because of all the space out there. When this happened I usually preferred to stay in the middle area. The dirt was fun to play on, there was quite little traction, so I kept sliding around and losing my balance. It was a beautiful day, but that sun was reigning down on me and I had also been playing for a while before that, so I had to call it quits after two hours there. My shoes and legs were covered in dust, I loved it. I wish I could have stayed and played longer, there were a couple other quite skilled players, but I was just dragging myself around and probably just getting in the way. So I decided to head out and try and catch the end of the flea market only a couple stops away. I said goodbye to Sufien and John, hoping I would see them again. When I got to the flea market and was browsing some wares my classmate Ross came up behind me. He said he was with another classmate Jules, and I sat and chatted with them for a little while. I didn’t stay long because I was hungry and tired, so I soon headed back to Steglitz.

Psychic City: Jazz Night at Gorlitzer Park

Every Tuesday there’s a jazz party at a place called the Eidelweiss party lounge. Different local bands come to the stage and perform, so you can really see all the different cultures that live in Berlin. Parties start at 10:00 pm, so it’s a little late, but it’s a fun event.

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