28.04.2016

Honestly, how are you doing?

I’m pretending to do much better than I think I actually am. Though at this point, I’m not really sure.

Do you hate it here, or do you love it?

There are days where I think I could live in Berlin, and then other days where I think that the only place that will ever make sense to me is the United States of a-goddamn-merica, the latter of which I find to be truly disgusting and horrifying.

Are you homesick?

Incredibly so.

Are things getting hard?

A similar response to hating or loving Berlin–some days are exponentially better than any days I have experienced thus far in my young adult life, and others seem to be so difficult that I’m unsure as to whether or not I can get through them. However, my appreciation for my classmates and their similarly shared insanity grows with every passing day.

What is your temporal experience at this point? (For example: I don’t operate on dates or days of the week)

Time seems to move at an impossibly slow rate in Berlin, what feels like weeks ends up being an hour, and what feels like a lifetime has only been about a month at this point.

Are you remembering things? Can you access images and feelings and emotions at any point in this city?

What stands out the most in my memory right now are my dreams–I am very used to not remembering the majority of my dreams while at home, and the ones I do remember tend to be end-of-the-spectrum outliers. Since I have been in Europe I have been able to remember almost every piece of every dream from every night, something that makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

Are you unable to?

I wish that I was unable to remember certain dreams, especially the recurring PTSD nightmares that I have become unfortunately familiar with over the last five years of my life, and even more so upon my arrival in this bizarre continent.

Are your habits changing?

I know that I have been drinking and smoking more, but I also knew to expect this based off of my last school trip to Europe two years ago with Dark Romantics. I do think that my study habits continue to get at least minimally better, I care more and more about school every day, even with the knowledge that a loss of credit wouldn’t necessarily affect my ability to graduate this quarter, and I can at least take solace in that.

What is scaring you?

One of the things that scares me the most is my quickness to anger–I like to think of myself as a fairly level-headed person, and while I would certainly not go so far as to call myself calm, I do take at least some pride in the idea that I can maintain my composure in less than agreeable situations. In Berlin, however, my ability to rationalize diminishes everyday, and my desire to empathize with those who frustrate me ebbs and flows at a startling rate.

How do you handle being alone?

I actually quite enjoy being alone, that is every once in a while. So far on this trip I feel like I haven’t gotten quite enough alone-time, which is not to say that I haven’t been enjoying spending my time with the various people I’ve been encountering, but I also would not mind wasting a bit more time on my own bullshit without having to think of the wants and needs of others around me quite as often as I have had to. Does that sound selfish?

What could you possibly do in a strange place to truly calm down? (For example: when things get bad, I go into antique shops to assuage my anxiety)

When things get bad, I call my mom. If the time difference won’t allow for that, I spend time with one of my very best friends in the entire world, Gabby. Should location make that impossible, I am forced to quell my anxiety with deep breaths and sedentary moments of reflection, something I am still learning how to do in my ripe age of 23.

Is class stressful?

I have never loved a German class so much as I love Evita’s class at CIEE. I was truly beginning to think that there was not a single good German professor in the world outside of my beloved Frau Hommel (a professor before my time at Evergreen) and then I met Evita. She has reignited my fire in language learning and reminded me that a bad teacher makes for a bad learning experience, not a bad edification altogether. I cannot possibly express my gratitude and appreciation enough to thank Evita properly, in German or in English, but hell if I won’t try.

What kind of thoughts are you thinking? There’s usually a pattern there.

Currently I’m thinking about what excuse I can use to get out of eating dinner with my host family tonight that I haven’t used too many times before.

Do you miss anyone (it’s ok to not)?

Above all, I miss my mama.

PSYCHICCITY