Honestly, how are you doing?
\nI am not doing all that great currently. I’m sick. finally when I feel like I’m getting a grasp of how to stop isolating myself I am put in necessary isolation without the cognitive function to get much done other than what is necessary for my body. I’m constantly worn out by the demands I put on myself and because I put so many of them there I end up feeling overwhelmed, a sign of poor planning in my mind that only compounds the issue, and I get very little done and the cycle continues from there.<\/p>\n
I just feel like I need time and space that there is never time and space for. Like I have this endless pit of despair that I shouldn’t have but don’t know how to get out of and no one can hear me from inside it as if it is swallowing all sound or possible connecting language and all I end up seeing are the faces of angry strangers thrusting their own insecure daggers down into this whole saying grab on let me help you out.<\/p>\n
Yeah. It feels like nothing really helps. As if everything just makes it feel worse. As if there’s nothing I can do to stop the momentum of this quicksand I’m sinking into. It just escalates and I feel less the further in I go. And that’s the thing is the feeling is what can get me out. If only I could feel something. If only I could express something I could make it out because feeling makes the quicksand into a beach looking out at the ocean endless and constant but somehow still significant in each iteration even though it’s just the same shit over and over again. But I can’t get to the expression. It’s like it’s not only something swallowing me up but smothering me from above as well. I’m lost in the absence.<\/p>\n
Do you hate it here or love it?
\nI don’t hat or love it. I am just here and currently the situation feels pretty bad to me. I can’t seem to crawl out of the whole I’ve dug for myself. Objectively the town is great. So many places to explore, so much beauty and information free to all and plenty of encouragement to get out and really be in it. Besides showing up to class as much as possible I find myself rarely saying yes to those things because I limit myself using the excuse that I have “too much to do.” I feel like such a downer most of the time.<\/p>\n
Are you homesick?
\nI think I am. I have found myself wishing this was all over or wondering why I am here when I could just as easily be doing all of these readings, studying German, making notes, and the like in Olympia where I am closer to the community I’ve been a part of for the last seven years. Is that homesickness?<\/p>\n
Are things getting hard?
\nThings are getting progressively more overwhelming. It’s getting harder to find the motivation, energy, and general willpower to get started on most things, even the ones I love to do like bike and immerse in nature. I find myself slipping deeper into a self I do not respect, feel consistently disempowered by, and find in most cases repulsive to be around. I find myself justifying this by saying that it is just the me that is learning to feel comfortable with uncomfortable situations, but at what point can that self no longer find balance within the darkness? Academia and the city life seem to suit me very little. I find myself being very bad at too many things. Even at the things I know I love. Closing off and shutting down.<\/p>\n
What is your temporal experience at this point? (For example: I don’t operate on dates or days of the week)
\nMy temporal experience has seemed to shift and fluctuate wildly during this entire trip. Where at first my sleep schedule and eating habits were very regular they are now either way too much of or way too little of both and all other combinations. My study schedule can’t seem to find a regular pattern either.<\/p>\n
Are you remembering things? Can you access images and feelings and emotions at any point in this city?
\nI haven’t been feeling the lightness and alertness I feel I am used to with Spring. I am so grateful we came in the spring because imagining myself here in the winter seems oppressively difficult emotionally. I can’t seem to access many feelings except for feeling down about myself or slightly annoyed at others.<\/p>\n
Are you unable to?
\nYup<\/p>\n
Are your habits changing?
\nYes. Like I said earlier things feel like they are in constant flux and the patterns I am used to having when I am at home like regular meal times and time spent outside and physical activity have all but gone away.<\/p>\n
What is scaring you?
\nHow isolated I feel. How overwhelmed I’m getting. How down on myself. How hard it has become to do even the things I love. How hard it has been to just appreciate my privilege of being here and doing this. How hard it has become to appreciate much of anything.<\/p>\n
How do you handle being alone?
\nOutside I have plenty of things to do. I haven’t been going recently though. Inside I isolate myself, and turn off my brain with Stephen Colbert or John Oliver.<\/p>\n
What could you possibly do in a strange place to truly calm down? (For Example: when things get bad, I go into antique shops to assuage my anxiety)
\nFind the nearest park. Sit under a tree.<\/p>\n
Is class stressful?
\nSometimes. I just get into my head about certain things and then I can’t seem to get back out until I realize I haven’t been following the thread and then try to jump back in. Often times this doesn’t work though. I think for the most part class feels like decompressing, but thinking about it is often times a stressful activity.<\/p>\n
What kind of thoughts are you thinking? There’s usually a pattern there.
\nI’ve been thinking a lot about how behind I am and how I wont be able to catch up. A lot about the my lack of self worth.<\/p>\n
Do you miss anyone (it’s ok to not)?
\nI do. I miss my friends and community back in carnation and I miss my partner Ellie.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Honestly, how are you doing? I am not doing all that great currently. I’m sick. finally when I feel like I’m getting a grasp of how to stop isolating myself I am put in necessary isolation without the cognitive function… Continue Reading →<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3189,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"geo":null,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/ofbloodandbeauty\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1342"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/ofbloodandbeauty\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/ofbloodandbeauty\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/ofbloodandbeauty\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3189"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/ofbloodandbeauty\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1342"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/ofbloodandbeauty\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1342\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/ofbloodandbeauty\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1342"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/ofbloodandbeauty\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1342"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/ofbloodandbeauty\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1342"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}