{"id":328,"date":"2015-04-05T20:18:53","date_gmt":"2015-04-06T03:18:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blogs.evergreen.edu\/losttimestephanie\/?p=37"},"modified":"2015-04-05T20:18:53","modified_gmt":"2015-04-06T03:18:53","slug":"a-journal-entry-for-week-one","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/losttime\/a-journal-entry-for-week-one\/","title":{"rendered":"A Journal Entry for Week One."},"content":{"rendered":"

1 April, 2015<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Oh, calm my racing heart just to beat in time with the seconds’ hand on the clock. And I will think and make beautiful ideas and thoughts and sex and love.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

It was such a momentary relief. More like a pause in my existence than an actual change in me. I still feel <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

why I am not In my mind I will cradle my head as I cry and rock myself, my-self to ease. Then my outside and inside will go do lovely things and be good and well. But I hurt.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Maybe I should tell him. It may be appropriate to let someone like that<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

It’d be worse for both of us to see. How I occupy my time so I keep some false distance. I am never busy, and I run from you so you won’t run from me<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

because I am scared of everything and maybe I can never safely love anyone they may hurt me and I am skittish like a beaten dog but sometimes I’m okay and then other days I’m so sorry and I wish I hadn’t met you I could spare you and I the trauma of seeing me turn light and dark and fade and blind I could love and I would die before I ever did again because I am so frightened and I will hurt you or never let you love me never please do but do always and I wish I never kissed you I remember them all and I am so much that beaten dog will only drag you and everyone else I love down if I am too close<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

heavy<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

so to not too close but I just want to be the loveliest feeling I’ve ever had, love you because you deserve the world I have it whole thing buried in my soul you can have it, anyway. And I, loving<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

friends but I am not always good other women and with love for you so maybe you don’t need this from me I am sorry.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Too soon, my heart beats too fast and falls too quickly and now, ruined, I love and die.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

1 April, 2015 Oh, calm my racing heart just to beat in time with the seconds’ hand on the clock. And I will think and make beautiful ideas and thoughts and sex and love. It was such a momentary relief…. Continue Reading →<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1180,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false},"categories":[],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/losttime\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/328"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/losttime\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/losttime\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/losttime\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1180"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/losttime\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=328"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/losttime\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/328\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/losttime\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=328"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/losttime\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=328"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/losttime\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=328"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}