{"id":324,"date":"2015-04-05T17:05:52","date_gmt":"2015-04-06T00:05:52","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blogs.evergreen.edu\/losttimecheryl\/?p=69"},"modified":"2015-04-05T17:05:52","modified_gmt":"2015-04-06T00:05:52","slug":"through-the-door","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/losttime\/through-the-door\/","title":{"rendered":"Through the door"},"content":{"rendered":"

Through the Door<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I was scared, beyond scared, terrified. I could hardly speak and was shaking so much I could barely even walk. My two young sons were with my grandmother and I was trying to do something, to be brave enough to go back to judo.<\/p>\n

For those of you that don\u2019t know, judo is a full contact sport, somewhat like wrestling or the now popular Brazilian Jujitsu. Women in classes are scarce, especially during this time. Joining a judo class would require me to go on the mat, do exercises to strengthen my body and to get close- very close physically to men.<\/p>\n

I was a black belt, that meant I was expected to manage myself and behave in certain ways, and being scared to even walk into the room, wasn\u2019t one of those ways. It had been going on for a long time. That last weekend, just 8 days before I stood in front of this door, trying to make myself go in, ended it. He came home, I wasn\u2019t expecting him, so dinner wasn\u2019t ready. He was angry and wanted me to himself. Shoved up the stairs, stripped and locked in the bedroom, I waited. Then he burst through the door and it began. I didn\u2019t know what he had done to my boys and so I did my best to appease him. He would leave the room every once in a while, locking me in. I endured and he finally settled down. It took 3 days. And then he left.<\/p>\n

Crawling down the stairs in a t-shirt and panties, I peaked around the corner and saw that my boys were ok. I didn\u2019t want them to see me this way, so I snuck out the front door. The Sheriff\u2019s office was only 1 \u00bd blocks away. This was a very small town. Outside of a few odd looks, no one said anything to me as I walked down the street barefoot through the winter snow. I entered the Sheriff\u2019s office and asked for help.<\/p>\n

We left the next day, I didn\u2019t tell anyone. I told the boys we were going on a vacation and to grab all their favorite things and some clothes. I went to the bank and took out what money I had- my rent money- and hoped it would be enough. We disappeared.<\/p>\n

And here I was, trying to find something of what I used to be. A real person, and a judo black belt. I had grown up in the sport, it was where I was strong, and it was a way of life and the culture I had grown up in. I had been away. Away from any resemblance of my life, of any employment, of anything that was me. Somehow, I needed to get through that door and join the class. I needed the strength. Judo had been a place where I belonged. I knew that if I could only get there, I would begin to learn who I was again.<\/p>\n

The doors were glass and I could see the families on the other side, having fun. I held my breath and looked at the ground. I didn\u2019t know how I was going to do this. I didn\u2019t have any money to pay for a uniform, much less the national registration I needed if I was to practice. I didn\u2019t have any of my records to prove that I had done this before, and had a black belt. I had nothing to give, I was homeless, living on my grandmother\u2019s good will. I still had to try. My boys deserved a mother that could take care of them. They deserved a mother with strength and confidence.<\/p>\n

Taking another breath and holding it, with tears running down my face, I stepped through that door.\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I made it in.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Through the Door   I was scared, beyond scared, terrified. I could hardly speak and was shaking so much I could barely even walk. My two young sons were with my grandmother and I was trying to do something, to… Continue Reading →<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1112,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/losttime\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/324"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/losttime\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/losttime\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/losttime\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1112"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/losttime\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=324"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/losttime\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/324\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/losttime\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=324"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/losttime\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=324"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/losttime\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=324"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}