“We shall see in due course that, in spite of stupid habits of speech which she had not outgrown, Albertine had developed to an astonishing degree. This was a matter of complete indifference to me, a woman’s intellectual qualities having always interested me so little that if I pointed them out to some woman or other it was solely out of politeness”

When I read this passage on page 12 of The Captive I underlined it and wrote “ASSHOLE” in the margin (God I feel bad for anyone who might end up with my Proust set somewhere down the line. It looks like a crazy person scrawled all over it). The Narrator’s opinion of Albertine is reminiscent of many of the male characters in In Search of Lost Time- even though they spend time being utterly obsessed with the women they desire they nurse these obsessions “despite” their flaws- their “common” ways of speaking, perceived classlessness, etc.

But, whatever. Despite these standards The Narrator apparently doesn’t care about the intellectual qualities of the women in his life. If he mentions anything about a lady being smart he’s just doing it to be polite.

Moving along, The Narrator notes with the other ways Albertine has changed:

“Albertine, even in the discussion of the most trivial political matters, expressed herself very differently from the little girl she had been at Balbec. She would go so far as to declare, in connexion with a political incident of which she disapproved: “I consider that fearsome,”

She “goes so far” as to have an opinion on a political event, stating that she “finds it fearsome”. Pat on the head for you Albertine! You used your woman-brain to make a thought! Though your boyf will still note your awkward choice to use the word “fearsome”.

“…and I am not sure that it was not about this time that she learned to say, when she wanted to indicate that a book badly written: “It’s interesting, but really, it might have been written by a pig“.

Wait a minute! Apparently she can READ too. Whooooa, there, Nelly. Reading and opinions? What’s next, you’re gonna wanna vote or something? I kind of love this use of “learned to say”. I feel like it’s the same vibe as when people are like “I taught my cat how to pee in the toilet!” Albertine LEARNED to have a crude opinion of writing. No way she could’ve done that without his scholarly help.

The cat training is working. She also finally learned not to go into his room without knocking.

Good thing she’s still (kinda) hot though, or how could he put up with her shit all the time? Her eyes got longer (God I hate when that happens. Have they started making a cream for that yet?) but at least their pretty blueness transports the Narrator back to Balbec, where they first met, before he knew her as a human and was able to do some hardcore horny adolescent projecting all over her and friends as they walked around being all hot and jumping over blind people. He’ll think about those eyes forever.

And her hair! Oh God, he’s so bored of every aspect of her existence except her hair. He’s seen it all but every morning it’s like he’s seeing that pretty hair for the first time ever. Eyes are pretty, a smile is hot but nothing like a good head of hair to make the Narrator want to fuck ahem, physically possess you.

“HOW COULD I EVER LOVE SOMEONE SO ANNOYING, RIGHT, YOU GUYS?!”-The Narrator.

“Seriously, it’s like every morning she comes into my room (thank god she KNOCKED) and jumps on my bed and talks about how hot and smart I am and how she’d rather die than leave me. And she’s only doing it because I shaved. She doesn’t even KNOW why she thinks things. She just does! She like, all obsessed with basic hygiene and it’s like SUPER MEANINGFUL because a person who bothers to shave can totally take care of her and the babies I could gift her with. You know, if I felt like it. Which I don’t.”

(Author’s note: as a fellow Hysterical Woman, I also regard shaving as a sacred act. I believe it must stem from a time when I was a young child and my dad, who always had a mustache, was speaking to me early one morning. After some conversation that was likely about cereal he asked me if I noticed anything different. I suddenly did- he had SHAVED HIS MUSTACHE. And I began crying hysterically. I thought I reacted strongly because I felt a mustache suited my father better than a clean-shaven face, but surely I was mistaken. I now know it must have been something else, something Very Meaningful).

Anyway, the Narrator can’t get anything done with all this lady-ness floating around house so he asks her where she’s gonna go to stay out of his hair today. She’s gonna go to a park with her Hot Friend and handler, Andree. Even though he is ALWAYS sick of Albertine he doesn’t trust her. She’s his girlfriend after all, so God forbid she bang someone else. He’s glad to have Andree babysit her.

Funny, this one time he was like, sooooooo sick of being around Albertine so he decided to tell Andree that he’d wished they’d met sooner, cause she’s also a super babe and actually like way better than Albertine and he’d wished they had hooked up instead. But that’s just too darn bad cause he pledged his heart to this drip and like, what can you do? “So let’s just hang out a lot because I haaaaate my relationship and you can make me feel better about all that.” He was lying when he said that, but now he really feels that way but who knows what Andree thinks? (Cause to discern that you’d have to like, care about a woman’s intellect and that’s not our buddy’s game here).

But whatever, cause The Truth is like, relative, maaaaan.

I’d choose dying in a riding accident over this weird relationship too, Albertine.