Often I have wished to disappear. This strange attraction pulls me into my own mind and distances me from people around me. I have told myself that this is necessary in order to gain a greater perspective on people in general. It is a feeling I have associated with gravity, and I’m still not sure why. It feels as inescapable as gravity, like it existed before me and I am merely a means for it to express itself. It begins with a kind of sleepiness which I must submit to at least to the extent of closing my eyes. At this point I can still listen to the world around me, or to music, but my mind is free from the visual data which just ever ends and is constantly diverting my attention, against my will, to the sway of trees, the flight of birds and bugs, the shapes of bodies around me, the way they move and what I can learn from this about the shape of their truest form.

The truest form– which I can never know in anyone other than myself, and thus I am drawn deeper, searching for my own truest self so that I might imagine that others are something similar. I disassociate with my body, my brain, and recognize that my thoughts are a ‘truer’ form of myself than my body, which I have had only very limited control in shaping. And my thoughts, what are the origins of these? I do not believe that I began as a ‘tabula rasa’ I have certain needs which have been on my mind, in some form or another, from the very beginning, and a will to meet these needs, even if at first, and for a long time, I could not name them and had no idea how to meet them. This frustration made me scream and cry and thus I discovered my very first means of satisfaction. Before language held any meaning for me, before the sensory data had been cataloged to any degree to be dissected and analysed. Before I had ‘thought’.

My thoughts are a truer form of me, but not the truest. Thoughts and behaviors are like plants which must be planted as a seed and allowed time to grow, if they are nurtured, or whither if not. I have the power, and the power has me, to choose which thoughts are nurtured and which are not, I don’t know how I can make such a decision without basing my opinion on preconceived notions. When I started, anything that helped me get what I felt like I needed was ‘good’ and almost anything else was ‘bad’. I cannot help what thoughts are planted in my mind, I can never rip them out completely, I can only starve them until they are too weak to move me.

Where did my desire to disappear come from? I can not say. I’m sure it began as something unrecognizable to whatever it can be called today. And over time it was nourished without my being aware of it. It crept up on me and by the time I could see it for what it was, we were indivisible. Now any attempt made by me to starve this thing resembles a battle field, more than a garden, where I am the loser more often than not.

This entry has gone on long enough and I’m still not sure how to bring it to the point I originally set out to make, so I’ll end it here and build upon this later.