Even though I was born in 1960, my parents didn’t raise me in the same way most children in the 60’s were raised. There were many different influences in their decisions and I am just becoming aware of some of them, and the contradictions that flowed rampant through my life.

You know how we inherit beliefs, behaviors- including violent behavior, as well as physical characteristics from our ancestors? It’s said that sexual abuse and domestic violence get passed down through generations. I’ve paid attention to some of those inherited things such as red hair and body shape, but I’ve never thought to try to figure out just why my parents behaved the way they did. I know some things came from the times they lived in, but it is only with this study of Proust and my writing of my memories, did I begin to wonder- Where did that idea or behavior come from?

I decided that it might give me some understanding or insight if I looked at the times and events of my parents and grandparents lives. I know something of my parents’ history, and I know next to nothing about my father’s parents, but I do know about my mothers parents.

Elmer

Collective family memories and stories about my grandfather, Elmer are plentiful. The basics: he was born in 1897- location unknown, married at 46 to my grandmother Martha, age 15 in 1943. They had their only child less than a year later, my mother.

Family stories tell us that Elmer’s parents had moved West with many others, taking advantage of the Homestead Act which provided free land to citizens and they had settled in the Great Plains by the time of his birth. As a child he worked on his family’s ranch as a laborer and a cowboy. Conflicts with the Indian Tribes were still occasionally occurring, as the natives were forced to assimilate or move into poverty ridden reservations. The stories told by Elmer, describe a childhood of loneliness, beatings and demanding physical labor from a very early age.

Shortly after he turned 16 (an age that varied between 13 & 17 depending on the story he was telling), Elmer left home to find his own way. He often said that if he had to work this hard, he would work for himself. New technologies were emerging and he went to work at a Steel Plant. After several years, he “ran into the law” and had to leave town. We never knew exactly what he had done, but this was a theme throughout his adult life.

In 1901 President McKinley was assassinated and Theodore Roosevelt became president. Elmer saw a demonstration of jiujutsu given by some men from Japan, and decided that he wanted to learn to fight this way. (Dr. Kano, the founder of Judo, visited the United States and gave several demonstrations to Roosevelt and the surrounding community.) Elmer searched for a school, (there were very few) and finally found one. In the process of looking, he spent time wrestling and learning to box. Proving to be a rather vicious fighter, he earned his living fighting in public matches. He told many stories of “running into the Law” and having to leave town.

World War I brought many changes to the United States. Unprepared for war, the military was small and the weapons were few and those were outdated. The draft began in the spring of 1917, Elmer had already volunteered, taking along  his personal rifle. He was 20 years old. He fought against Germany and France. Raised as a strong racist against the Native Indian and the Black man, he learned to despise the German and French people as well. Especially the Germans. But for some reason, not the Japanese. Maybe it was that he admired their fighting style.

Coal was the major source of energy and with the sudden increase of munition production, it soon became in short supply and a crisis ensued, not because there was a shortage of mined coal, but because the rail yards of the East Coast were jammed with 44,000 loaded freight and coal cars they couldn’t move. Finally in 1918, the government nationalized the coal mines and railroads for the duration of the war.

At the conclusion of his Army service, Elmer looked for work and found it in these coal mines in the Mid-West. He also resumed his sideline of public fights.

Martha

Martha was a middle child of 17. She was born in Washington State in 1928. When she was young, the family moved to the Seattle area to find employment. What we call the Great Depression, had begun.

Large parts of today’s Seattle were filled with tar paper shacks, built with whatever materials the residents could find. The communities were utterly without sanitation and the sewage spread across the ground. Martha’s family crowded into one of these shacks with paper walls and a dirt floor, which they all slept on. When it rained the sewage would flood in under the doors and soak everything they had. They had no beds and only a few possessions.

In May of 1931, the Seattle Mayor Edwards started warning the City Council that the unemployed men, could mean an increase of the cities communists. The unemployment rate had tripled in the prior year. Edwards told the City Counsel.

“If you are willing to work to the best interest of our citizens, whom we have the honor to represent, I recommend that the legislative and executive departments join hands in a most serious effort to provide decent and proper relief of the unemployed by pushing forward such municipal work as will require the maximum of labor”

Edwards soon lost his position. In 1935 Charles Smith tried to force unemployed residents to work for food assistance. The Downtown Local Unemployed Council compared the practice to slavery. They blamed the “machinery of production” for replacing millions of workers and creating this crisis of unemployment.

Later in 1935, the city was able to offer paid employment due the increase of Federal WPA money for public works. The unemployed were hired to grade roads, repair sewers, build new water and waste systems, and develop parks and public places. They built a 16-hole golf course in West Seattle, Improved Green Lake, Boeing Field, Woodland Park Zoo and the University of Washington grounds. Women were also put to work, sewing clothes and serving meals to school children.

Martha’s family benefited greatly from the WPA public works program. Her father went to work on the roads, her mother sewed. Even the older children in the family found employment. Martha started serving lunches to school children when she was 11. Her younger siblings were finally able to attend school. When she described her childhood, Martha told stories of deprivation and hunger, of not having any shoes, only one dress and a desire to go to school. The stories she told of her parents were always positive, how hard they tried and how much they loved her.

The family finally purchased a home and moved out of the shack. Martha was working and enjoying her new found wealth. Every week she was paid and whenever possible, her mother gave Martha spending money. She bought a few dresses and went out for fun with friends after work.

One day, Martha and her friends decided to go to a place they didn’t belong, a fight between a boxer and someone who said he could beat any challengers- that was Elmer.

Sneaking in along the edges of the crowd, Martha and her two friends worked their way to the front where they could see. Men, cheering and placing bets surrounded them,  ignoring the girls. The main event- the fight between Elmer and the boxer started. It was over fast. The boxer punched in and Elmer pushed his fist aside. Laughing he dodged another; and then he caught the next one. Pulling the boxers arm forward, he threw him to the ground, and jumped on him. The boxer’s arm broke and the fight was over. Elmer was the victor.

The men surrounding the girls started to yell in protest and a punch was thrown. All of a sudden Martha and her friends were surrounded by a brawl. Elmer, celebrating his victory, suddenly noticed the girls. He grabbed them and pulled them into the ring and away from the fight. Once clear, he escorted them home. When they arrived at Martha’s home, her parents were upset with her and very grateful for Elmer’s assistance. They invited him over for dinner and soon, with her parent’s approval, Martha started dating Elmer. In 1943; they were married. Martha was 15 and he was 46.

While they were dating, very little was said about Elmer’s past. Martha noticed that he was quick to anger, but also settled down fairly quickly. Her life changed shortly after the wedding.

They lived in a rented room, and together they had only a few possessions. Elmer smoked cigars and liked to spend his evenings out, at jujutsu practice or looking for someone who would fight him for money. Martha continued working for a while. When she arrived home from work, she took care of the room, the laundry and made dinner. One day, she was late coming home by a few minutes. As she walked through the door, Elmer grabbed her and slammed her into the wall. Screaming at her, he demanded to know where she had been. Unable to give him an answer he would accept, she finally passed out from his assault.

When she woke, Elmer was gone and she had many bruises. The most noticeable one, a black eye. Giving in to his demands, she quit going to work. She quit visiting her friends, and she quit seeing her parents. Her world now revolved around Elmer, and only Elmer.

1938 saw the beginnings of Hitler and Nazi Germany and on March 11^th Hitler invades Austria. Joe Lewis knocks out Nathan Mann in 3 for the heavyweight boxing title. The World News is broadcast on CBS radio for the first time. The US began requiring blood tests for marriage licenses in an attempt to stop the spread of venereal disease (An increasing problem since World War I). Japan declares war on China.

Kimberly

In October 1943, as the world is heading towards another World War, my mother is born. They are now living in a Seattle apartment. Martha rarely leaves her home and when she does, it is only to walk to the grocer. She works hard to maintain the apartment and keep herself looking nice. In later years, she talked about hiding part of her household allowance to buy a lipstick, so Elmer wouldn’t get mad that “she wasn’t put together like a lady.” Martha and her daughter Kimberly are inseparable. She teaches her how to act and how to be quiet when her father is home. How to obey anything he asks.

Kimberly is 3 when her mother discovers her naked in bed with her father. Martha doesn’t quite understand what he is doing, but warns him that she will go to the police. The next morning Elmer is frantic. He starts throwing everything they own into the car. Screaming at Martha, he tells her that they are moving, “getting out of town”.

They move, and then move again. Martha continued to try to protect her daughter, but was unsuccessful. Kimberly was able to go to school, most of the time. The records of her elementary education show 27 different schools, spread out across the country. Martha’s father dies during World War II (Specific dates unknown) and her mother followed within days of being notified, having not seen her daughter for years and never meeting her granddaughter Kimberly.

In 1956, Elmer moves the family to Northern California. He joins a jujitsu club and opens a filling station and car repair shop. Kimberly goes to High School and Martha is finally able to work outside the home again. She gets a job on an assembly line and begins to put money away “for the future”, without Elmer knowing. The family settles down and the violence was contained for a while. Elmer begins coughing a lot and seems weak and ill. He refuses to see a doctor and works out harder at the “club”. He still smokes cigars and drinks regularly. Kimberly appreciates staying in one place and gradually joins in the fun and outings at her school. She makes friends and even dates. But she pays a price for every date she goes on, time in her father’s bed.

By the time Kimberly is 16, she is rebelling. She no longer tells her parents where she is going, she dresses in pants and does improper things for a women (according to her father), such as roller skating. Walking into the house each evening she is ready for the beating. And they are often. In 1960, Kimberly discovers that she is pregnant, and the panic begins. Elmer violently kicks her out of the house and not knowing what else to do, she runs off with her friend Walter who is 26, and they get married. Kimberly moves into his apartment.

The baby is born, a girl. Kimberly is both excited and worried about this. She was named Lani. They buy a house in California, and her mother buys one a block away. Life is going well, Walter is in school to learn to become a machinist: Kimberly is at home with the baby. Elmer has opened another Service Station and Martha is still working on the assembly line. Lani is dressed like a princess and the world revolves around her. Then Kimberly gets pregnant again. They needed medical coverage and since Walter was on military reserve, Kimberly applies. She discovers that she isn’t his first wife. In fact, she isn’t considered his wife at all. Walter has a wife and daughter, in Chicago where he grew up.

What does he say when confronted? “I forgot about her.”

Kimberly demands a trip to Chicago, to meet her mother-in-law and this “real wife.” Within a couple of weeks arrangements are made and everyone, Kimberly and Walter, their daughter, Elmer and Martha are on the way to resolve this issue. Walter and Elmer spend considerable time talking while they take turns driving. Kimberly and her mother sit in the back seat, playing with the baby. When they arrive, no time is wasted visiting Walters parents, he is taken directly to a lawyer and divorce papers drawn up.

Soon it was resolved. Walter would have no contact with his first daughter, she would not be told who her father was. Walter’s mother would be available if there was a need for contact. All military benefits and a substantial settlement would be paid, but no child support. As soon as the courts approved the divorce, Kimberly and Walter would marry again, and this time it would be legal.

Returning to California, most things turned back to normal, except now, Walter and  Elmer are friends. Walter joined the jujutsu/ Judo club and began his training. Along with physical training, Walter was introduced to Elmer’s views on women and their place in the world. These were strongly reinforced by the teachings of the club, where women were not allowed.

The post-war era of the 1950’s and early 60’s also contribute to the evolving belief by Walter that women belonged in the home, controlled, quiet and subservient to the men of the household, and the way to keep them there was through violence and sexual domination.

My brother was born when I was just 15 months old.

To Be Continued