In Search of Lost Time

The Evergreen State College

Author: Flora S.S. Tempel (Page 1 of 2)

Looking Forward (6/1)

Hello June!

I hate summer, but it does mean another year has passed. It’s time to really look ahead.

               And oh, my love, remind me

               What was it that I said?

               I can’t help but pull the earth around me

               to make my bed.

               And oh, my love, remind me

               What was it that I did?

               Did I drink too much?

               Am I losing touch?

               Did I build a ship to wreck?

Florence and the Machine have a new record coming out, and I know it will be the anthem of my summer.

And somehow, this seems totally natural. Fated. Florence has been the mainstay artist I find inspiration in since I started writing. Her last album came out four years ago, right when my writing was taking off. I am so glad to have her back in my orbit again.

Her songs are the atmosphere I live in. They are a dark sepia-toned fantasy dream. Through this tinted lens she tells compelling stories. And this is the same lens I use for my life. It keeps things interesting.

But this is also the world of my writing, a dream world where people are flawed and yet the world feels like an old summer memory, or an otherworldly landscape. In a way, Proust does this too. But hopefully my sentences won’t be quite as long.

But what is this thing I’ve been building? Like Florence says, have I just built this to wreck it?

Is this more than I can do?

Am I capable of this?

Am I just a lost cause?

Will my love pan out like I want it to?

Have I put enough energy into my relationships?

Have I put enough into myself?

Do I have any chance of the success I want?

Will I be able to provide for my family?

Will I ever be stable?

There are no answers. Still, the questions are there. I suppose the only answer is that I have to try. I have to keep along the chaotic path I’ve chosen.

I can only assume that the path will be rougher than I imagine. But I’m going to keep trying. And that’s ultimately what this class has inspired me to do. Proust wrote 4,000 pages. Surely I can write 300.

But more than page count, Proust and the work we’ve done has proven to me that it is possible. Interviews and research are not as hard as they seem. A compelling story can rise from almost nothing. Voice mostly has to do with vision, not intent. And if you write enough, the story will appear.

Time in Writing (5/22)

There’s a TV show out now called Outlander. It’s not awesome and kind of makes me ashamed of myself to admit that I’ve watched some. The concept comes from a historical/fantasy series by an Arizonian woman named Diana Gabaldon. They are filled with romance and classic fantasy tropes. This is obviously why I don’t like it.

But. There’s something there. The main character is a modern woman from 1945 who is accidentally transported back in time to the Scottish Highlands of 1742.

Really, the reason I watched it in the first place was because I love everything about old Scotland. But as I watched, I became interested in how they were using time as a plot device.

And this is ultimately a huge point in Proust that isn’t hard to overlook. He works in his time jumps quite well. But still, the plot device is there. The book starts with the end and jumps back to the beginning right in those first fifty pages of Swann’s Way.

And this is a huge question for my writing. My book will use time like this. I want it to be created out of juxtaposed memories and current realities. I really need to figure out how I’m going to do that. But what I think it does is create a really interesting dynamic and atmosphere. And that’s the point of my writing.

A Dream for Spring (5/12)

It’s spring. Really almost summer, especially according to the weather. Everything is alive. Plants are blooming under the sun, but it’s not too hot yet. Even in the early morning, before 6 am, the light is bright, the sky a brilliant blue. Birds chatter and sing, maybe ten, maybe a million.

It makes me think of the future. Well, I’m always thinking of the future, planning, hoping, dreaming. But in spring the world seems wide open, the future is coming closer, faster and faster. It’s the end of the formal year. Here comes the short summer season and then a new year again.

And what will I do with this next year? And the year after? And all these years after that? What do I want? Where am I going?

I didn’t expect to find myself back at the desire to pursue my degree in creative writing. And I definitely didn’t expect to be uninterested in getting a MFA in creative writing. I always assumed that if I pursued creative writing, I’d go all the way.

But with an Evergreen education, I have options to make it almost better than a MFA. And I’m also just skeptical about MFA programs. I’ve heard so many stories of writers learning to write as their professors like them to, not how they actually write. I hear of people who rediscover that writing is actually fun. It’s like they had the fun beat out of them and it’s just become work.

I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to earn my right to write from some professors who maybe don’t look at writing the way I do. I want to take it. I don’t mean that in a forceful way. I mean that I want to exert my right to write without seeking permission or confirmation. I want to take my right to put pencil to paper, fingers to keyboard and write freely, how I want to.

If it feels like I’m saying “the right to write” a lot, it’s because I am. The Right to Write is a book by Julia Cameron, who also wrote The Artist’s Way. Her books try to give advice to writers (and artists) about how to further their craft. The Right to Write is full of personal stories and teaching concepts, and exercises to apply your learning.

I’ve actually never done any of these exercises for real. I have a hard time responding to prompts. I remember, as a child, my parents tried to tell me I was a good writer. But my teacher, specifically in fourth grade, sent home a weekly writing prompt. I didn’t enjoy them. At Thanksgiving, the prompt was so awful that I refused to do the assignment. My mom convinced me to write about why I hated it so much. And I decided that they had to be lying about being a good writer.

That didn’t mean I didn’t love writing. I have always lived in a world of stories. Every story grows from my mind, expanding until I’m uncomfortable with how huge it’s become. I suppose I should feel that way about my own story. It is, after all, the only story I’ve been telling continuously throughout my life. And it’s the only story that is utterly unpredictable.

But still I tell it. So what does the future look like? I see a summer of research and learning to be a more disciplined writer. In the fall I will sit down for hours every day and try to pound out huge quantities of words. I have every expectation for myself to write a complete book in those ten weeks. First, I have to be sure I go in with a solid plan, of course.

Mostly because I like solid plans. I’m not particularly good at them. I suppose that’s why my solid plans are these stories I tell myself. In reality, the last year is the most solid my life has ever been. Perhaps that’s because I’m in control of it, so it feels more solid than the 18 years I spent with my parents. But who knows how well my work will go? Who knows what the book will turn into? I have a dream of trying to find an agent in spring quarter. How the hell will that happen?

My imaginary story of publication before graduating might be a pipe dream. That’s okay. I’m going to keep working on it, regardless of how well it goes. I will write this book and I will edit it in winter and spring quarters. And during the whole thing I will try to keep moving my future possibilities forward.

Hopefully, in summer 2016, I will write another book. In 2016-2017 I’ll take another class and do one or two internships, maybe with a publisher I’d be interested in working with or with Hugo House. I will continue to grow my relationship. I want us to move somewhere healthier. I want to have a real kitchen and dining room, maybe an office. I want a little garden. I want a cat now… and maybe a baby in the future. That will continue to be the hardest decision about my future. Not just mine, ours.

Today, the groundwork is laid and the stories are just stories. I hope that tomorrow, next month, next spring, they are true.

Close Reading for 5/18

Flora Tempel

The Fugitive, pgs 834-839

In the final pages of the second chapter of The Fugitive, Andree reveals extensive details to the narrator about Albertine’s personal life after her death. As Andree completes the story of Albertine’s adult life, the narrator pieces together important points and contemplates the meaning of the new information that has been revealed to him. The passage begins at the bottom of page 834.

But above all we must remember this: on the one hand, lying is often a trait of character; on the other hand, in women who would not otherwise be liars, it is a natural defense, improvised at first, then more and more organized, against that sudden danger which would be capable of destroying a life: love.

This passage starts with a compelling argument on the origin of lying, at least among women, according to Proust. He claims that lying is character trait, which begins the theme of this passage on the idea of character. He makes a rather sexist statement that women who are not naturally liars begin to lie to protect themselves from love. Apparently love destroys lives, which we have seen throughout the novel.

Furthermore it is not by mere chance that sensitive, intellectual men invariably give themselves to insensitive and inferior women, and moreover remain attached to them, and that the proof that they are not loved does not in the least cure them of the urge to sacrifice everything to keep such a woman with them. If I say that such men need to suffer, I am saying something that is accurate while suppressing the preliminary truths which make that need – involuntary in a sense – to suffer a perfectly understandable consequence of those truths.

The narrator speaks of men like himself, but as he suggests that these men need to suffer, it becomes clear that perhaps the person speaking is really Proust. Perhaps these are things that he has observed in people around him? Perhaps he is also a sensitive intellectual and has experienced these suffering and decided that they serve a purpose? Whatever that purpose is, he declines to speak on what it is and why it is necessary.

Not to mention the fact that, all-round natures being rare, a man who is highly sensitive and highly intellectual will generally have little will power, will be the plaything of habit and of that fear of suffering – and that in these conditions he will never be prepared to repudiate the woman who does not love him. One may be surprised that he should be content with so little love, but one ought rather to picture to oneself the anguish that may be caused him by the love which he himself feels. An anguish which one ought not to pity unduly, for those terrible commotions that are caused by an unrequited love, by the departure or death of a mistress, are like those attacks of paralysis which at first leave us helpless, but after which the muscles tend gradually to recover their vital elasticity and energy.

This is an odd third person perspective on everything that we have seen happen in the novel, even referencing Albertine’s death. The narrator’s affair with Albertine is defined by these themes. The narrator is obsessed with habit, which feeds his obsession with Albertine and leads to his indecisiveness on the relationship. He couldn’t possibly marry her, he must marry her, he doesn’t love her but can’t leave her… he relies on Albertine’s presence in his life, which makes him unable to part from her. And yet he suffers greatly from his unhealthy love and obsession with her. But as we see later in The Fugitive, he does begin to recover.

What is more, this anguish does not lack compensation. These sensitive and intellectual persons are as a rule little inclined to falsehood. It takes them all the more unawares in that, however intelligent they may be, they live in a world of the possible, live in the anguish which a woman has just inflicted on them rather than in the clear perception of what she wanted, what she did, what she loved, a perception granted chiefly to self-willed which need it in order to prepare against the future instead of lamenting the past. And so these persons feel that they are betrayed without quite knowing how. Wherefore the mediocre woman whom we are astonished to see them loving enriches the universe for them far more than an intelligent woman would have done. Behind each of her words, they find that a lie is lurking, behind each house to which she says that she has gone, another house, behind each action, each person, another action, another person. Of course they do not know what or whom, they do not have the energy, would not perhaps find it possible, to discover. A lying woman, by an extremely simple trick, can beguile, without taking the trouble to change her method, any number of people and, what is more, the very person who ought to have discovered the trick. All this confronts the sensitive intellectual with a universe full of depths which his jealousy longs to plumb and which are not without interest to his intelligence.

This perfectly represents so many of the interactions men have with women in the novel. The narrator questions Albertine’s every word, every action. Swann chases Odette through the city, and knocks on the wrong window in her building, questioning every house, and person. And yet when the truth comes to them, they are often blind to see it. The narrator also claims that he, as a sensitive intellectual, is not inclined to falsehood. This seems like an interesting interjection by Proust.

Without being precisely the man of that category, I was going to learn, now that Albertine was dead, the secret of her life. Here again, do not these indiscretions which come to light only after a person’s life on earth is ended prove that nobody really believes in a future life? If these indiscretions are true, one ought to fear the resentment of a woman whose actions one reveals fully as much in anticipation of meeting her in heaven as on feared it while she was alive and one felt bound to keep her secrets. And if these indiscretions are false, invented because she is no longer present to contradict them, one ought to be even more afraid of the dead woman’s wrath if one believed in heaven. But no one really does believe in it.

This particular paragraph is quite odd. First, the narrator states that he wasn’t necessarily describing himself in the previous section. But everything from major themes to subtle references suggests that he is. This confirms to me that Proust was really the speaker in that section. Second, he has this odd little sidetrack on the validity of the idea of afterlife. I’m not really sure what to make of it. He highlights the contradictory issues with the idea, but ends with an irrefutable statement, which seems counterproductive.

On the whole, I did not understand any better than before why Albertine had left me. If the face of a woman can with difficulty be grasped by the eyes, which cannot take in the whole of its mobile surface, or by the lips, or still less by the memory, if it is shrouded in obscurity according to her social position, according to the level at which we are situated, how much thicker is the veil drawn between those of her actions which we see and her motives!

The narrator continues with his interest in what someone’s eyes tell us, but also suggests that the reliability of memory might be dependent on the woman’s social position and the narrator’s. This continues the sexism and classism that has defined the novel.

Motives are situated at a deeper level, which we do not perceive, and moreover engender actions other than those of which we are aware and often in absolute contradiction to them. When has there not been some man in public life, regarded as a saint by his friends, who is discovered to have forged documents, robbed the State, betrayed his country? How often is a great nobleman robbed by a steward whom he has brought up from childhood, ready to swear that he is an excellent man, as possibly he was! And how impenetrable does it become, this curtain that screens another’s motives, if we are in love with that person, for it clouds our judgment and also obscures the actions of one who, feeling that she is loved, ceases suddenly to set any store by what otherwise would have seemed to her important, such as wealth for example.

This statement on the meaning of motives rings very true. They often are subconscious and contradict our normal opinions. It’s interesting that he chooses wealth as the important marker of value. This section of The Fugitive and the final chapter highlight wealth and the machinations of wealth among the nobility more than anywhere else in the novel. The slight reference to the Dreyfus case – “… discovered to have… betrayed his country?” – also continues to confirm that this passage is entrenched in the plot of the novel. The next section of this paragraph meditates on the actions of this hypothetical woman.

Perhaps it also induces her to feign to some extent this scorn for wealth in the hope of obtaining more by making us suffer. The bargaining instinct may also enter into everything else; and even actual incidents in her life and intrigue which she has confided to no one for fear of its being revealed to us, which many people might for all that have discovered had they felt the same passionate desire to know it as we ourselves while preserving a greater equanimity of mind and arousing fewer suspicions in the guilty party, an intrigue of which certain people have in fact not been unaware – but people whom we do not know and would not know how to find. And among all these reasons for her adopting an inexplicable attitude towards us, we must include those idiosyncrasies of character which impel people, whether from indifference to their own interests, or from hatred, or from love of freedom, or an impulse of anger, or from fear of what certain people will think, to do the opposite of what we expected. And then there are the differences of environment, of upbringing, in which we refuse to believe because, when we are talking together, they are effaced by our words, but which return when we are apart to direct the actions of each of us from so opposite a point of view that no true meeting of minds is possible.

Most interesting in this rambling section is the highlight on the idiosyncrasies of character. There really are so many reasons for motivation, and Proust successfully shows us many that are the most common and important to the story. He also touches on the nature versus nurture debate, which many people do refuse to believe. But I love how he ends this section by stating that, no matter how productive a conversation might have seemed, we all experience it differently because of our own point of view, and it can sometimes result in an inability to come together.

“Anyhow there’s no need to seek out all these explanations,” Andree went on. “Heaven knows I was fond of Albertine, and she really was a nice creature, but, especially after she had typhoid (a year before you first met us all), she was an absolute madcap. All of a sudden she would get sick of what she was doing, all her plans would have to be changed that very minute, and she herself probably couldn’t say why.” […]

And I told myself there was this much truth in what Andree said: that if differences of minds account for the different impressions produced by one person and another by the same work, and differences of feeling account for the impossibility of captivating a person who does not love you, there are also differences between characters, peculiarities in a single character, which are also motives for action. Then I ceased to think about this explanation and said to myself how difficult it is to know the truth in this world.

I love the way Proust ends this meditation on the meaning of character. He simply sums up the problem as unsolvable: every single character has their own motivations, and sometimes multiple contradictory ones. There’s something meaningful in the way he describes the people he is talking about here as “characters”. He could have just as easily said “a person” or “people”, or any other way to denote the people in the narrator’s “real” life. But Proust chooses to call them characters. I feel that in this moment, towards the end of his masterpiece, where the text is not a finely edited, Proust threw in a statement on how he creates characters and why they act they way they do in the work. For me, saying, “motives for action” confirms that he is speaking about he process of creating the characters. If he had been speaking as the narrator character, he might have chosen a different phrasing that places the line more firmly in the literary tone of the novel. Rather, he sounds like an author, word for word. It’s a beautiful thing to find hidden in the pages of a vast work. And he ends with a simple fact that every writer knows: it really is difficult to know the truth in this world.

On Avoiding Being Uncomfortable (5/8)

Yes, I’ve been avoiding writing this. I’ve known I’ve needed to write this, explore this, for a few weeks. Longer, really, but it had been buried deeper. I’ve been thinking so much about this book I’m going to work on for the next year. I’ve got ideas about the topics I’m going to write on, the structure I want to use/create, the characters I’m going to need and want, and their arcs. There are so many things that go into a book, especially when you’re trying to create a new form, an experimental work.

And the most important question appears: why?

Why am I writing?

Why this story?

Why this character?

I want to say that these are impossible questions, but they aren’t. They are the reason we write. We write to explore ourselves, to make ourselves uncomfortable. I always avoid the uncomfortable. I like to think that everyone does. But now I need to lean into it.

I suppose that the main reason I am interested in this subject is because I like challenging topics. I like books that quietly, unpretentiously, grapple with compelling, scary issues.

I’ve always felt that the foster care system is simply interesting to me. It’s not something I have experienced or ever imagined I would experience. It creates stories all by itself. But interesting is not enough. It’s not enough to devote so much time and work to. There are plenty of things that are scary about the system, but what part of it makes it scary enough for me to pursue like this?

I think it has to do with family. My story keeps moving towards being more and more family-centric. I have a family. A broad family. I always have my parents to fall back on. I have grandparents and aunts and uncles who would travel halfway around the world to help me. I have cousins who I know would open their doors to me in a pinch. And I have family friends who have made it clear that their doors are open in an emergency.

These are comforting things to know. So what happens when someone doesn’t have that comfort. I know that many people don’t. I know that I am immensely lucky. And so of course I find life without that support to be terrifying.

So I take it to extremes. What if you lost that support over and over again? What if now you are losing that support to death? What happens when your world changes so drastically and you’re not very good at handling that?

I’m pretty good at handling things. I don’t know why. I guess my mom did a decent job on me. I went through my struggles pretty smoothly. Which is not to say I don’t have my issues. I’ve got plenty. But others have more.

I suppose these complicated personal issues, mental health issues, are something that interest me. It’s hard to live with, hard to have relationships with. But if everyone who has a mental health issue didn’t get to have great, healthy relationships, our species wouldn’t exist. That’s what I tell people around me all the time, because I live in a complicated relationship, like many people.

On top of my issues, like anxiety, stress, and a myriad of odd health issues, my partner has many of his own. He experiences depression, severe anxiety (far, far worse than mine), and occasional agoraphobia. Does this make life harder? Yes. But it doesn’t change that these aspects of him are part of the whole person whom I love very deeply.

I guess I want to tell this story from his side, the side of the person in the relationship who struggles more. Because I have found that I respect that position very much. To be able to fully accept that you have serious life-effecting issues takes a lot of strength. To be in a relationship is both wonderful and terrifying. On the one hand, you have support. On the other, there’s someone extremely close to you that makes you see how far from “normal” you are (even though “normal” doesn’t really exist). So yes, I believe my partners position is harder than mine. I think that, from the outside, most poeple assume that I’m in the hard spot. But I see him question all the time if he has a right to be with me.

These are the hard questions. These challenging relationships are what make me write. They are what I want to explore. They are the why.

And the answer is yes. He has every right to be with me. Because he is just as whole a human, just as valuable, just as loving, just as creative. He’s just a different human, valuable in different ways, loving in different ways, and creative in different ways. And that’s why I love him. His perspective makes me think. He pushes me to question more. He pushes me to challenge myself. He pushes me to write. He pushes me to love. He pushes me to be uncomfortable.

On How to Tell a Story (4/27)

The Storyteller by Walter Benjamin is a fascinating essay. Perhaps it is most fascinating for me because I feel that it is itself a story. I really love that about it. Most of all, I love how he structures this piece. I love how each new subject builds upon the previous ones without necessarily following it logically. This is wonderful collage at work and I’m impressed by it.

In addition to form, I love his arguments about the novel. As wonderful as novels are, they are a flawed medium. It comes entirely from one person’s solitary imagination and can never truly enter the lives of others, but that is exactly the goal of telling the story, of writing the novel. The other problem with the novel, and this has become even more problematic today, is how it is dependent on the printed format. Yes, now we can get it on our Kindles and iPads, but it still looks like a printed book. And yet we no longer live in that world. The online news doesn’t look like a newspaper, does it? I’m very interested in the concept of creating multimedia stories.

Like Benjamin, I worry about the information given in writing. He’s right, information can’t really transcend the time. But there is some type of information in writing that can. It’s some sort of information about the soul, I think. But how do you define that? It’s impossible. Like he says, we read to experience death. This is true, but don’t we also read and write to experience life?

What are we trying to tell people when we write?

Why do we need to tell each other things in novels with purpose?

Why do we write novels?

Where is the novel going?

Why do we write?

Why?

Odette in Swan Lake (4/17)

After David Shields talk last night, tonight I went to the ballet with my mother. It was Swan Lake, so famous and yet so easy to miss seeing live. I opened the playbook as we sat down and was immediately struck by the reminder that the Swan Queen is named Odette!

I can’t help but assume that Proust sort of did this on purpose. Not only does he name his first female main character Odette, but he names her lover Swann! And sets their entire romance to music. And makes the description of Odette de Crecy sound like that of a ballet dancer.

So what are the differences? They exist mostly in character, while the similarities lie in the plot. These differences are mostly that the Swan Queen is gentle, kind, vulnerable, and looking for unwavering love to save her from her curse. In ISOLT, Odette is manipulative and adulterous, but appears to Swann to be more like the Odette in the ballet.

The similarities are in the plot. In the books, Swann falls in love with Odette because she is intriguing. Similarly, the Prince falls for the Swan Queen because she is different from the princesses he is supposed to marry but doesn’t like. In ISOLT, Odette has two sides to her as well, like Odette (the gentle Swan Queen) and Odile (the manipulative double who works for the evil sorcerer). Their romance revolves around the musical phrase, like the Prince and the Swan Queen dancing out the story of their love. And in the end, it seems like they are torn apart, only to find themselves back together later in worse circumstances (depending on the ending of the ballet).

In ISOLT, Odette is literally the Swan Queen. She is the ballerina figure who manipulates her way to become the Queen of M. Swann’s heart.

Oh the irony.

David Shield’s Lecture at Hugo House (4/16)

“All books dissolve a genre or create one.” – David Shields

I was excited to see David Shields scheduled to give a Hugo House evening Word Works lecture, speaking on collage. They described the lecture as one that would change your life. My skeptical interest was piqued and I did my research on this David Shields.

He is a well know writer and professor at the UW. His recent book, Reality Hunger: A Manifesto, was highly acclaimed as the best book of the year in 2012. It questioned the current use of genre, form, and originality in literature. I watched videos of David lecturing and having discussions about his work. And I learned that he gave up on traditional novels.

Now this was interesting to me. I understand everything he said about why he turned away from novels; he got bored, they didn’t portray reality, etc. While I have not completely given up on literature, I feel this is partly why I don’t read as much anymore. It is a legitimate criticism.

And as I watched these videos of David, he said that he believed that Proust was the greatest western writer. But he had just said that current literature is too long and boring! I had to attend the lecture to ask him about this duality.

Going anywhere for writing always makes me excited. Bookstores make my heart flutter, classes make my stomach flip,  but anything at Hugo House, especially events, make my body, mind, and soul sing.

This particular event really got to me because I had no idea if I would actually get to attend. Tickets were sold out, so I went early, in the hope that maybe they would have an empty seat. I was excited, hopeful, and very nervous. I saw David walk in and I knew it was almost time, and I wasn’t sure if I was even going to see it.

Suddenly, one of the staff poked their head into the open cafe space outside the theater where I and others were sitting. They had open seats for sale! I jumped up and ran to the counter to get one. I grabbed a seat in the second row, feet from the podium and got out my writing notebook.

Looking back at the notes I took tonight, I can barely read my own handwriting. But they are imbued with the incredibly exciting things I learned and the almost spiritual experience of that vigorous learning. Some things I learned are:

  • You can’t just work in one “drawer” of your “consciousness and understanding desk”; the drawer underneath has to sneak open too.
  • Each writer has to find their own form that plays to their strengths.
  • Write the way your mind thinks.
  • The ultimate test of a book is whether the writer is able to slip in everything they want to say; this makes it alive.
  • To put reality in quadruple quotations: truth is unknown or relative, reality is subjective.
  • Form evolves to serve the culture.
  • Collage is a wisdom seeking form of thought.
  • Collage works are about what they are about; they manifestly explore the subject in each paragraph.
  • All definitions of collage imply that meaning is not just in each scene or shot, but in juxtaposition.
  • Collage, like mosaic, flaunts the reality of what it is made of.
  • Fiction either helps us escape real life or teaches us how to live, but is mostly a bubble-wrapped retreat.
  • Collage tries to get as close to real life as possible.
  • Collage lets you tell a thousand stories at once (because plot is less important).
  • Collage wrestles with the crazy way our lives today are made up of so many non-linear threads.
  • Collage is anti-linear, anti-mastery, and anti-narrative.

Whoa.

When question time came around, my hand shot up to ask about Proust. How do you reconcile your belief that Proust is the “author of the greatest book in the history of Western civilization” (quoted from his video) and your statement that the novel is too slow and boring?

His answer both astonished and thrilled me. He said that Proust dismantled narrative, which allowed him to create real psychological information. He is not ashamed of his meditation on life and, indeed, revels in these meditations. David said that he read Proust at an important moment in his life (I assume around the time of his transition to collage) and it allowed him to see that you don’t have to stick to the classic novel, that you should write in the way that fits you best.

And this is exactly what I am experiencing now in Proust. In every page I find ideas and inspiration for how to tell a story and what makes it compelling. It pushes me to understand the unreliable narrator and the mystery of half-known characters.

Proust has been pushing me towards viewing writing differently. David has finally inspired me to shed the need for the classic novel formant and encouraged me to branch out into the wide world of experimental writing. Where I was afraid, now I am inspired. And I think that perhaps that is the point of writing.

Turning Point

My parents separated and subsequently divorced when I was 12. My father moved out of the house into a rental a few blocks away. When I went over to his new house, I could see the trees in the backyard of the home he and my mother built over a couple of roofs. When my father came to visit me, my mother would make dinner for us before she left. It was a complex transition time, where they were both angry and grieving for the loss of their marriage. It was also one of the best decisions they ever made. But it was not the turning point.

My father began to suffer from mystery pains five years later. I was 17 and struggling through my senior year of high school with incredibly frequent and painful migraines. I spent more time with my dad so that someone was there when the pain started. I spent nights sleeping in the room below his, listening for cries of pain, trying to decide if they were bad enough to go upstairs and check on him. The worst part about this time was the fear my father experienced in the face of this mystery illness. I didn’t really sleep at his house to check on him; I slept there to quell the panic he felt when he woke, alone, with inexplicable pain. My mother and I both tried to help him but there was little we could do. His doctor couldn’t find anything.

On the eve of my last final for fall semester I was pulling an all-nighter. My mother was staying out late and I didn’t care until it started getting later and later and later. Finally I received a text. My mother had gotten a desperate call from dad and taken him into the hospital. They had found an abscess in his spine that was cutting off his spinal cord. To prevent paralysis, they had taken him into emergency surgery. And yet still, this was not the turning point.

My father did not recover easily. It turned out he had had a staphylococcus infection in his spine, which dissolved two of his vertebrae to create the abscess that pushed on his spinal cord. He had other injuries as well, like bruised ribs and a twisted knee. He suffered nerve damage, extreme weight loss, and, most of all, brain damage. He went through months of inpatient rehab. My mother and I visited almost every day, and family from all over the country came to help. Finally, my father was well enough to go home and had some of his closest friends stay with him.

My mother and I decided we had to get away from it all. We had spent two and a half months in and out of the hospital, working so hard to take care of my dad. It was time for a vacation. My mother bought ticket to Hawaii, with no exact plans. We wanted to go sit on a beach and relax.

The turning point came on the deck of our hotel room. We were sitting, eating fruit, drinking juice and iced tea as we looked out at the ocean. It was beautiful and, finally, we relaxed and began to talk. We talked about my parents divorce, about the extended family, and most of all about what would happen to dad now. The answer to that question wasn’t easy then and hasn’t gotten any easier. But what mattered most was my mother’s reminder of a promise she had made me many years before. In the midst of the divorce, I had asked her, “What will happen if something happens to one of you?”

“We are still a family,” she had told me, choking up. “We will always take care of each other, no matter what happens.”

In the years since she had said that, we hadn’t always acted like a family. But now, when the unthinkable had happened, we would stand together and be a family. That day, many miles from home, I knew that everything would be okay, that I was loved, and that life continues on. I knew that any problems I had with my mother were not all that important because she would always stand with me and I with her. I am still learning how to stand with her, but it’s the most important thing I can do.

Since that trip, I have learned so much from both my parents and myself during the struggles that followed my dad’s treatment and I have a better sense now of what type of person I want to be. I know now that people are marked more by hardship than happiness. But I also know that the happy moments are what strength us to withstand hardships. I know that success can be stolen in an instant, but hope and long-term plans are vital. And most of all I know that worry and anger, emotions we feel every day, are incredibly pointless. As I work to let go of my worries and angers and simply live, I look to my parents and continue to learn.

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