I twirl my pen between my fingers when I think and, when I begin to think about this action, I drop the pen. The first time I did this I think I wanted to emulate Jack Sparrow at the end of Black Pearl, the moment when it is revealed that he has cursed himself with undeath, as a means of life insurance. He lets the coin tumble over his fingers, and back again. I’ve seen this motion performed many times in other movies and television shows as well, always by someone who is meant to appear very intelligent and crafty. My intent was not to appear as anything, I was alone, as i usually am when I think, and I was trying not to fall asleep, as I always was when I worked a graveyard shift. The idea was that twirling my pen would keep my brain active enough to remain conscious, as it took a good deal of concentration to pull off, and If i should start to nod off, I would drop the pen and the noise of this would wake me back up. This worked very well. It worked so well that eventually the action took less and less concentration to carry out until I could do it without thinking.
The part of myself which is me, which is still me after it has been removed and isolated from everything else which can be called “me”. This part of me which exists in the spaces between neurons and shares these spaces with the many other concepts which populate my consciousness at any given moment. The part of me which exists among and yet above all the other thoughts, which can alter and control my thoughts and set in motion deliberate actions, This emergent phenomenon, which “I” am, once had to used its powers to move my thoughts and actions to bring the pen to twirl between my fingers, and no longer needs to. It has done so so much that the areas of my brain which are required to activate, and the pattern in which they must activate, to twirl a pen, do so without “I” needing to be present in them. This pattern of neural activity which I have crafted in my self gains inertia as I use it. Like walking through a field of grass will leave behind a trail, and future walks will widen the trail. Attention and repetition, even just “looking” at it, with the minds eye, lends a certain weight to a behavior which will eventually drag it down further than “I” generally am able to delve. It holds a status now akin to breathing and heart beating. Where athletes go in the moment when practice ends and the game begins.
Why do I still twirl my pen despite not needing to to stay awake? Just a habit.
It may also make me look a bit more intelligent, except when I drop it.