I excitedly get ready for judo class, anticipating the promotion ceremony. This occurred only 2 times a year. I had overheard my parents talking and I know that my brother would be getting his orange belt, and I should be too! This was a special moment in my life. All my hard work at learning the techniques and behaving correctly would be worth it. I was barely containing myself, skipping and jumping around the car as mom drove us to class

Judo class is getting ready to begin. The students line up by rank, the black belts in front of the class and the women behind the youngest boy. Anticipation builds as I fidget waiting for the promotions to begin. The sensei starts with the older students; one by one they are called to the front of the class and given their new rank. With every student the sensei takes time to describe the students’ accomplishments and I wonder what he is going to say to me. My best friend and I hold hands and wait, trying not to move and attract attention. This is the last moment we want to be disciplined. My brother is promoted and he jumps back into line. The last boy is called to the front and I hold my breath to keep my excitement in.

And then the Sensei, tells us to spread out for warm ups. My friend and I look at each other and obey. Tears begin to run down my face, I look over to my friend and she is crying also. I don’t understand. We practiced, we were obedient, and I don’t know what else we could have done better.

This was worse than the Christmas last year when the family gathered to open gifts and I was regulated to serving them, keeping the glasses full and making sure everyone had snacks to eat while they opened gifts. There was no need for me to participate; there were none for me. I had been fighting with my brother and refusing to do what he told me to, and so my parents told me that if I wasn’t going to support the family, they didn’t need to give anything to me other than what the State required. At least, this was kept within the family, not being promoted was in front of everyone, and it was public.

Noticing the tears, the Sensei stops the class and has everyone line up again. My friend and I are called to the front of the class together and as we stand there, he begins to explain the white stripe that is on our belts, admonishing us for crying. “The white stripe, running the length of our belts is only for the women and girls that practice judo. It signifies purity, gentleness and beauty, and obedience, all traits that are expected of a proper woman. If we want to move up in rank we need to demonstrate these traits in all aspects of our lives as well as have perfection in our techniques, as purity and gentleness applies to the quality of our spirit as well as the correctness of our techniques.” He explains how it is obvious that we are not ready to advance in rank, by the evidence of our jealousy, our tears. We should be happy and be celebrating the advancement of the men and boys in the class and remember our place as girls. Not for the first time, I hated being a girl.