1 April, 2015
Oh, calm my racing heart just to beat in time with the seconds’ hand on the clock. And I will think and make beautiful ideas and thoughts and sex and love.
It was such a momentary relief. More like a pause in my existence than an actual change in me. I still feel
why I am not In my mind I will cradle my head as I cry and rock myself, my-self to ease. Then my outside and inside will go do lovely things and be good and well. But I hurt.
Maybe I should tell him. It may be appropriate to let someone like that
It’d be worse for both of us to see. How I occupy my time so I keep some false distance. I am never busy, and I run from you so you won’t run from me
because I am scared of everything and maybe I can never safely love anyone they may hurt me and I am skittish like a beaten dog but sometimes I’m okay and then other days I’m so sorry and I wish I hadn’t met you I could spare you and I the trauma of seeing me turn light and dark and fade and blind I could love and I would die before I ever did again because I am so frightened and I will hurt you or never let you love me never please do but do always and I wish I never kissed you I remember them all and I am so much that beaten dog will only drag you and everyone else I love down if I am too close
heavy
so to not too close but I just want to be the loveliest feeling I’ve ever had, love you because you deserve the world I have it whole thing buried in my soul you can have it, anyway. And I, loving
friends but I am not always good other women and with love for you so maybe you don’t need this from me I am sorry.
Too soon, my heart beats too fast and falls too quickly and now, ruined, I love and die.