Sleep paralysis a couple nights ago. First time in a while. The dark figure in the doorway. Its skin is red and black, I know, though I can’t see its face. Only imagine. Nothing is visible, really, except the image my mind projects. I can’t move, can’t breathe. Just wait for it to end. 

I’ve learned to squeeze my eyes shut, tight tight tight, to try to wake myself up. It’s really the only thing that works. 

In high I would try to move my legs, or raise my arms, twist my shoulder. It started happening so often that I started to try to fly. To “lucid dream” or whatever. I always thought that was a load of shit, but people say they do it. I only managed to do it once, and it felt like i was in control for a minute, darting out the door of my room and through the house and out into the open air, but then everything was black and i was sleeping and I woke up gasping. 

Eventually I took to squeezing my eyes shut, or imitating the motion in my brain, in the hopes that I would squeeze them enough so that my eyes would snap open. It wasn’t the not moving that bothered so much as the not seeing. Always been visual. It’s how I learn, remember things. Images, handwriting, letters and numbers. I don’t know what I would do if I ever went blind.