{"id":436,"date":"2016-03-07T18:00:14","date_gmt":"2016-03-08T02:00:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blogs.evergreen.edu\/camino-duvkar21\/?p=167"},"modified":"2016-03-07T18:00:14","modified_gmt":"2016-03-08T02:00:14","slug":"why-does-my-mom-piss-me-off-so-much","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/caminomap\/why-does-my-mom-piss-me-off-so-much\/","title":{"rendered":"Why does my mom piss me off so much?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"IMG_0266\"I have been thinking about what the word “Overloaded” means. It is not just a way to describe our bodies.Overloaded means that we are carrying baggage that weighs us down, and this\u00a0can come in many different forms. We may be carrying feelings around in our heads and hearts that contribute to carrying more baggage on our asses. The dreaded emotional baggage that we stuff down and stuff down with comforting foods that make us feel good at the moment but contribute to a life of ups and downs. As I have said, the point of this blog is to be healthy; healthy in the mind plus healthy in the heart. The other stuff (our bodies) just naturally follows suit when the first two are in balance.<\/p>\n

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If we are meant to be Overloaded, so be it, but, I have a hunch and maybe this is the secret, that when we have balance; our bodies just hop on and enjoy the ride.<\/p>\n

With that being said, what is it with mother & daughter relationships? You know what I mean?\u00a0You might have one of those, bonded, cord never been cut relationships. Perhaps you talk everyday. Are you…frenemies? Well, my mother and I have a past fraught with a lack of understanding, communication, anger, resentment. We may be in the frenemies category, I am not really sure. I don’t think I really know my mother very well and vice-a-versa.<\/p>\n

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Here is a little bit of background:<\/p>\n

I was sent away to an “emotional growth” boarding school when I was 14. I was\"IMG_0267\" teetering\u00a0on the edge of a cliff and most likely would have fallen had I not been pulled back. However, leaving my home, came with consequences. One of those happened to be that I was not going to be part\u00a0of my family anymore and for significant years in my life, during a time of personal achievement and growth. The relationship with my mother was already pretty crappy by that point, \u00a0so when I transferred to another boarding school to finish high school,\u00a0 I had really only been a visitor while their lives were still going on. My parents relationship had already crumbled and was holding on by a very thin thread. They told me it was probably best that I was not around while all that was happening, but in some ways, it never did happen. I never experienced it, the loss, the emotion and pain of a\u00a0family breaking up. Granted, it was probably a good thing that it happened in general,but to not be a witness leaves us, left me, with unanswered questions and feelings. To not be home and part of a family felt very lonely.<\/p>\n

I was strong, I was very good at putting on a mask, closing myself off and not letting anyone see how much I was hurting. I relied on making close friendships, and perhaps\u00a0I depended on them a little too much and I eventually jumped around between\u00a0\u00a0relationships and just casual sex in an attempt to feel love. Guess what, it doesn’t work. You end up just feeling more empty and out of balance. It takes a long time to get to understand that there is no substitute for going though REAL emotion and to allow ourselves to feel something in our hearts.<\/p>\n

My mother is going to be coming with me on the trip to Spain. Originally, when I asked her to go with me, I was using her as a crutch. I have done this my whole life. If I was scared to ask someone a question, when I was little, my mother would always do it for me, she would be my voice and bail me out. I’m afraid I will let her do that now. I was about to decide not to go on the trip and she said she would go. Now, I have spent 10 weeks in a class with other students who will be going by themselves and I am feeling more confident about going and I no longer feel like I need the crutch. Ina way, I feel left out and jealous of my classmates. This is a new feeling for me, I feel like I could do this on my own. I want to have the experience of being alone. It is a too late, plans have been made and tickets purchased so I needed to find away to talk to my mom.<\/p>\n

\"image\"We did a test walk this weekend. 20 miles from Tacoma to Gig Harbor. Over the Narrows Bridge to a hotel and then back the next\u00a0day to get an idea of what living out of our packs would be like, and, what 10 miles in one day and 10 the next would feel like. I don’t want to focus too much on the physical aspect of this walk for this blog so I will sum it up right now..it fucking sucked. Feet hurt, legs hurt and I am sore today as well. Just some hot spots on the feet, no blisters! \u00a0(knock on wood)<\/p>\n

I want to focus on the emotional aspect of walking with my mother. I don’t think we were quite at 1 mile and I decided that I needed to broach the subject of having alone time on the Camino and the rest of our travels. That is when everything went downhill. Her response was, “I’ll walk ahead and you can just fall back. I have my headphones on so you won’t have to talk to me at all”. This is not the point. To be alone is to be vulnerable. To know that when you reach the next stop that there is nobody to greet you and you are on your own. To stand independently and only rely on yourself. I want to feel this I crave this. Yes, I should have thought about this before I asked her to join me, but I was afraid then, sure, I have fear now, I am ready to face it and I didn’t know that she was going to piss me off so much! The argument progressed to her calling me some choice words and expressing her own fears about being in a foreign country and that something would happen to her. Valid fears, she is 68 years old and a cancer survivor. I mean, gotta give the lady some props, right? Definitely a strong chick. But, it does not change the fact that I took a chance and asked for what I needed from her. What are we supposed to do when we put ourselves out there to ask for what we need and the other person does not respond positively and cannot respect our space or what we need?<\/p>\n

I don’t want to ditch her, I want to be trustworthy, but she brings out that rebellious 14 year old teenager. Maybe that is the problem, our re
\nlationship is stuck in the late 80’s. I have never been able to resolve my feelings of abandonment and she is unwilling or unable to to see me as a grown woman.<\/p>\n

The rest of the trip was very uncomfortable for me and I am sure for her as well. I told her that I can walk on my own. She would walk ahead but every now and then I would see her stop to\u00a0look behind her. Why did that piss me off so much? It was like that feeling of being on a hike with standard size people who are just trucking their way up the hill, \u00a0they stop, turn around and look at you…buzz kill. “Just keep going! I know where I am going” I thought. “I don’t need you to wait for me”. The rest of the trip we were cordial, but I could feel the tension and I am sure the silence could be heard around the world. When you have been through as much shit as we have, I am able to move past it, in the moment, but now I am in fear that my trip will be all about having to stay with her and I will resent her for the rest of my life. I did not intend on this being a bonding experience for us, that is not what this trip is about for me and I fear that this was a small bit of her hope or expectation.<\/p>\n

That evening, my husband and son met us at the hotel and we went out for really good Mexican food in Gig Harbor. It was called\u00a0Blue Agave Mexican Grill and Tequila Bar<\/a>. Muy delicioso! I had a wonderful\u00a0dinner and washed it down with two agave margaritas on the rocks. Sooooo good and really hit the spot. I could sense my reason flying out the door. It had been a stressful day and at that point I didn’t care anymore. I was so out of balance and my body was following suit, just as it normally does. I did just walk 10 miles so I was fine with drinking it, but wonder if I would have made that choice had it not been such a stressful day.<\/p>\n

She had threatened to cancel her tickets at one point and I was fine with that. She changed her mind and perhaps that is a good thing. I don’t know if our issues will ever be resolved, but I know that by going through these moments of stress and examining myself through these issues, that\u00a0I am learning more about the baggage I carry and how I overload myself.<\/p>\n

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Cheers!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I have been thinking about what the word “Overloaded” means. It is not just a way to describe our bodies.Overloaded means that we are carrying baggage that weighs us down, and this can come in many different forms. We may be carrying feelings around in our heads and hearts that contribute… Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2823,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false},"categories":[],"tags":[],"geo":{"latitude":47.2158279,"longitude":-122.4496994,"description":null},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/caminomap\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/436"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/caminomap\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/caminomap\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/caminomap\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2823"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/caminomap\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=436"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/caminomap\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/436\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/caminomap\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=436"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/caminomap\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=436"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/sites.evergreen.edu\/caminomap\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=436"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}