“In a world that benefits from your self-doubt, believing in yourself is a rebellious act.”
\nI’ve heard this quote before, but never has it rung so true to me as it has in this moment.
\nI feel really stuck. I’ve come to this point where I no longer know what direction to go. I grew up as a very talkative, outgoing person yearning to make loving, lifelong friends. When I began moving one or twice a year for a few years this became incredibly difficult. My closest friends abandoned me, and the people I was surrounded by didn’t accept my quirky personality or strange sense of style. I regressed into an anxiety-ridden depression that I’ve spent 6 or 7 years trying to get a handle on. After a couple of self-destructive past relationships and a move across the country I began to break the shell that I’d been stuck in for so long. My few closest friends stuck with me through thick and thin and granted me the strength that I needed to try to recreate my former self, the bright and bubbly side of me that made me feel proud and confident. Now that version of me has cracked again and this time I don’t know how to put myself back together. In the middle of an unfamiliar country I’ve put myself out there completely to help cushion the frustration that has been building inside of me and those around me. I spend every day trying to comfort or reach out to others, seemingly to no avail. I either say the wrong thing or I say too much or I don’t listen enough or God knows what else. It’s not like anyone will ever just come up to me and tell me what I’m doing wrong. I’ve been excluded and judged for saying the wrong words or not knowing what to say at all and I can’t act like it doesn’t bother me anymore. I feel like all these things I’ve done have been pathetic, futile attempts at creating friendships or personal happiness or something. Maybe trying too hard, talking too much or being overly friendly \u00a0is the problem, but it seems ridiculous that in a world full of violence, cruelty and judgement that being too kind is frowned upon. I’ve overcompensated for the irritation or grumpiness of others in order to try and maintain goodness around me but maybe it’s just been a waste of my time and energy. I keep saying to myself that if I’m kind and make an effort with others that I shouldn’t care if they don’t appreciate it, that at least I know that I’m trying, even if it’s seen as trying “too hard.” But right now it feels simply impossible. I’ve snapped, and no amount of anti-anxiety\/depression medication or wasted attempts to call my parents over weak wifi signals or with my cheap Spanish phone can solve that. Once again I must turn to myself for comfort because like Bill told me time and time again, I cannot have expectations of others or anything else. Even with the best intentions and tears streaming down my face I’ve managed to push away everyone around me. With a final regurgitation of word-vomit to my boyfriend and my peers, I’m no longer able to figure out what to say. Silence has rarely gotten me anywhere in life and apparently talking hasn’t gotten me very far either. I thought this trip was an opportunity to open up to others who were going through similar experiences as myself, but everyone here seems to be getting along fine without me. Thank god for my family and friends back home sending me reminders of their love and appreciation of my presence in their lives, they are the ones keeping me going. Like a soldier, I must keep walking. I cannot allow my emotions or the pains in my feet and face to get in my way. Nobody here wants to hear my sob story, in this fucked up world being mysterious will always be a more attractive quality than being open and honest. Or maybe I’m wrong about that too. Right now it feels like I couldn’t possibly be doing any worse.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
“In a world that benefits from your self-doubt, believing in yourself is a rebellious act.” I’ve heard this quote before, but never has it rung so true to me as it has in this moment. I feel really stuck. I’ve come to this point where I no longer know what direction to go. I grew […] Continue reading